Please enjoy today’s Arthur Schopenhauer moment for March 28th, 2011. Have a happy Weed Appreciation Day. Interesting fact: If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion! (That’s why I’m a sixth generation hour counter.)
“If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.” Arthur Schopenhauer
I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s extremely deep Word of the Day. I’m doing more to keep interesting, because when I bore myself I turn to television.
(Because if I didn’t change things up, you guys might never get a story.)
“I don’t know where to start?”
These were not the kind of words that Bill had expected to hear. In fact, they caused him some alarm. “Should I go see someone else then?” queried Bill nervously.
“What? Oh, nonsense. There is nothing to worry about. I just need to consult one of my books. You just make yourself comfortable and I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
“Everyone told me that this was a simple procedure.”
“Oh it is. It is.” The doctor coughed. He seemed nervous.
Bill didn’t think that he should seem nervous like that. It was supposed to be an in and out procedure. That’s what everybody had told him.
The doctor left him in a tiny room for what seemed like an eternity. He came back in the room, washed his hands in a little sink, gave Bill a worried glance, washed his hands again, left the room, came back in the room a few moments later, and washed his hands again for good measure. Then the doctor picked up a clipboard and strode briskly to Bill. “So tell me, have you been out of the country for any length of time over the last six years?”
“What? Why do you need to know that?”
“I’m going to need your full cooperation if we are going to take care of this thing.”
“I still don’t see how me being out of the country has anything to do with anything…”
“Have you been out of the country or not?” interrupted the doctor harshly.
“No, no I haven’t.”
The doctor made what appeared to be a few check marks on his clipboard. He muttered “good” a couple times and then asked, “Have you had sex with anyone who has been out of the country for any length of time over the last six years?”
“What about over the internet?”
The doctor gave Bill a stern look and cocked and eyebrow.
Bill gave in. “No, I have not had sex with anyone over the internet.”
The doctor made “mmmm hmmm” noises and scribbled on his clipboard. “Okay. When was your last tetanus shot?”
“I don’t remember.”
The doctor muttered, “Yeow” and then begin to scribble furiously some more on his clipboard.
“Would you please cut it with the sound effects and the clipboard?”
“Sorry. It’s standard procedure. Have you ever had any major surgery done before?”
“Um, no. I am not here for any surgery.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” muttered the doctor as he scribbled on the clip board. “Have you had any secret fantasies or nightmares involving turtles dressed as old ladies or vampire women in grave yards?”
“This is getting a little too silly.”
“Is it? I think you better just answer the question honestly?”
“No, I haven’t had any secret fantasies like that.”
“Are you sure you’re not just trying to keep them a secret?”
Exasperation had already taken hold of Bill and had started to beat him into the ground. The onslaught was tremendous. “I am not keeping any secrets!”
“Okay, because you know everything we discuss it strictly confidential.”
Bill blinked. He was dumbfounded.
The doctor sensed that his patient was beginning to become out of sorts and decided to move on while the moving was good. “Why don’t we proceed with the examination?”
“Wow! That sounds like an amazing idea.”
“Why don’t you open your mouth and say ‘ahhh’ for me?”
Bill blinked some more, “Really?”
“Of course! I need to be thorough!”
Bill opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, making the requested noise. The doctor stuck a tongue depressor in his mouth and began to peer into his mouth with a flashlight. It seemed the doctor kept Bill’s mouth open for quite some time. A lot of “Mmmm Hmmm” and “Oh my” noises were made. Occasionally the doctor would place the flashlight down and scribble on the clipboard, all the while keeping Bill’s tongue depressed with his other hand.
Finally the doctor withdrew the tongue depressor and without another word began to examine each of Bill’s ears. The process went quite like the examination of the mouth and throat, except Bill’s tongue was free to do what ever it liked. Bill thought several times that perhaps he should ask the doctor a question but decided against it. At least the doctor was doing something.
Once the ears were inspected, the doctor had Bill lie flat on his back and began to press down sharply on different areas of his stomach. Each time the doctor would ask if the pressing had caused any pain. Bill just said “no” each time. Bill had already made up his mind that he was going to play this through to the end, or until it seemed that things were getting dangerous.
Once the belly pressing was through, the doctor told Bill he could sit up and once again began scribbling on his clip board. “I think I shall prescribe you an antibiotic.”
“Yes, I’m a doctor. I can prescribe these things.”
Bill scratched his head. “That’s fine and thanks. I was wondering if you were ever going to get around to looking at my foot.”
“Yeah, um, that’s the reason I came in the first place. I cut my foot and I was wondering if I needed stitches.”
“Well that explains the bandages on your foot. Um, never mind about the antibiotics. I’ll tell you what; those bandages look bloody and nasty. I bet the probably need to be changed. I’ll just go and get my sewing machine. You just sit back and wait here. I’ll get you all fixed up.”
The doctor left the room and Bill counted to ten. He had gashed his foot quite badly, but was still willing to make the run out of the doctor’s office as quickly as he could. For some reason, Bill had lost confidence in his doctor’s medical abilities. Unfortunately, in his haste he ran out in front of a car.
“Did you see that? He ran out right in front of me.”
“Well, we should do CPR or something. Don’t you think?”
“CPR? Man, I don’t know where to start.”
“Hey! We’re right in front of a doctor’s office. I bet he’ll know what to do.”
And that’s the story about how Bill had his appendix removed. No one was sure why, but everyone agreed the doctor was very thorough.